My dudes. This is really more of a freak-the-fuck-out rather than a kicking rocks situation, but earlier today I was at my local dude's house, I'm on the toilet blindly reaching for the TP, I bring it down for business and then what in the fuck do I see but a huge black spider about the size of a quarter and it's an inch away from my dick. I jumped like 3 feet in the air with my pants down. Shit was insane. Never again will I poop in the dark.
This is why I always lift the seat with my big toe.