"I wish I met you decades ago. Truly, I don't think you have the energy, or the guts to keep up with me. I have scars - inside and outside. No I don't have a bullet hole in my back - it's only a powder burn. I ride a motorcycle and I share my home with ferrets. My son ran away to Grad School years ago - but he still visits me - I will get a mother's day gift (sherries berries) and a father's day gift (a tie) - not funny if you think about it - after all - I did both jobs. What are you going to do with your life? I haven't done a rock and roll concert in ages. Do folks still light up a doobie - or is that frowned upon due to smoking restrictions? Do you want to talk with me? I have a sense of humor. I write stories. True stories - I sometimes embellish. If you want to read one I'd value your opinion. I am not interested in a hook up. I want to talk to you."
"Hey, guys! I'm looking for a serious relationship. Prince Charming, are you there? I'm 5'4", 145lbs. 21 yo. I don't smoke cigarettes, kinda a prude but like sex, lol!!! I love punk rock and gossip. I ride a bicycle. VINTAGE. Did you go to Coachella?! Are you going to Sasquatch?! I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm cold but I don't bite. I have tattoos. Are you okay with that? Do you love Mindless Self Indulgence? I want to meet you!"
It was exactly who I fuckin' thought it was; Canadians. ;D